Gathering human data
by Bookjunk
Summary: Beware: I'm not a FSoG fan. An extraterrestrial creature inhabits Ana's body for research and is baffled by what it discovers.
1. Friendship, Katherine Kavanagh

Warning:

If Christian Grey is your dream guy, if you think that Ana is a strong and smart woman, if you believe that their relationship is the stuff epic romances are made of: this story is not for you. Contrary to what people may think, my purpose is not to antagonise or troll fans. I simply like writing snarky FSoG stories and sharing them with people who like to read snarky FSoG stories. Therefore, I want my stories to be read by people who are likely to enjoy them. So, if you are a Christian/Ana/FSoG fan? You are hereby warned. You will probably not like this.

Explanation:

Several commenters on my previous FSoG stories have expressed that they are either baffled or offended that someone who is not a fan of FSoG is writing FSoG fanfiction.

To those who are offended: I will continue to write what I like to write, regardless of your outrage. And, no, I will not post my stories on another site. Just because it's called 'fanfiction' doesn't mean that I have to be a fan to write a story about something. This is just as much my site as it is your site. I feel sorry for you if the mere existence of someone who is not a fan of FSoG writing about FSoG is somehow affecting your life or your enjoyment of other FSoG stories.

Also, yeah, despite disliking the books, I know a lot about FSoG. It's called 'doing research' a.k.a. 'looking up stuff online.' I do it for all my stories.

Writing FSoG fanfiction as a non-fan has not adversely affected me, by the way. My mental health is fine. Your concern is touching, though!

To those who are baffled: Let's start at the beginning. Why did I read the books? If I don't like them, I simply shouldn't read them, right? This is such a weird argument to me, because how am I supposed to know that I don't like the books when I haven't read them?

So, I read the FSoG books and I didn't like them. I think the books are extremely badly written. I think Ana and Christian's relationship is abusive. I think that Christian is arrogant and manipulative. I think that Ana is snotty and stupid. Yet, I'm writing FSoG fanfiction. Why?

First of all, I like to write fanfiction. Canon can be fun, but it's limited. I like to write about things I would have liked to have seen happen in canon. That is why Christian almost always dies in my stories. It's my way of 'fixing' FSoG. (Note that it is strictly _my opinion_ that the books need 'fixing' and that having Christian die is a way of 'fixing' them).

Secondly, the majority of people who read FSoG fanfiction may be fans, but there are also plenty of people who (like me) didn't exactly love the books and are looking for some snark. For my and their enjoyment, I provide them with that snark.

Thirdly, I am amazed by your bafflement. I write 'Beware: I'm not a FSoG fan' in the summary of all my FSoG stories. Therefore, before reading the story, you already know that I am not a fan. You also know that you should 'beware,' which to any functioning literate would read like a warning that I will, at the very least, be critical of a work of fiction and/or fictional characters that you like.

See, when I picked up FSoG, I expected an erotic love story, because that's how the book is marketed. What I got instead was a crappily written depiction of two insufferable idiots in an abusive relationship. You, on the other hand, knew what to expect when you clicked on my story. It's very hard for me to take you seriously when you then proceed to complain in a review that I should not be writing FSoG fanfiction because I'm not a fan. You were informed beforehand and you chose to read my story anyway. You only have yourself to blame for your disappointment.

If you still feel the need to flame: feel free. Seriously, go ahead. Flame away. I neither mind nor care.

 **Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 8** **th** **of May 2011.**

 **First entry**

 **Subject: Friendship, Katherine Kavanagh**

My host – Anastasia Rose Steele; Ana for short – has few friends, so assimilating those memories and feelings should be relatively easy. For clarity's sake, I will record my host's thoughts in italics.

 _My best friend is Kate. I hate her. I think that she's a slut for showing affection towards men in public. Also, just for having a sex drive. Plus, she keeps asking me how I'm doing. What a bitch, right? I mean, what sort of a friend is she, caring about my wellbeing and noticing if I'm upset?_

Okay, those are Ana's feelings about Katherine Kavanagh, who is supposedly her best friend. Hmm, not quite what I expected. I ask a random woman on the street about it. She nods, as if my story makes sense. Could these feelings be considered normal amongst humans? Standard even?

'Kate sounds like she's your frenemy,' the woman says. That's friend and enemy. Together. Extraordinary! I thought that those were mutually exclusive relationships. I did understand that one can be a friend first and then become an enemy or vice versa, but both at the same time? My alien overlords will be thrilled to have learned something new about the human race.

When I later ask a tiny man about it, though, I am less sure that I have drawn the correct conclusions.

'Girls are weird,' the tiny man replies. Maybe my findings only apply to the female part of the species? Further research is necessary before I report this discovery.


	2. Encounter with possible fellow explorer

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 9** **th** **of May 2011**

 **Second entry**

 **Subject: Encounter with possible fellow explorer**

I suspect that the man I interviewed today - name of host: Christian Grey - might be an alien in disguise too. If his conduct is any indication, this is his first mission. Still, his absolute failure to blend in is worrisome. I shall be forced to report him to our evil overlords if he continues to behave in this fashion. One simply cannot go around being so obviously extra-terrestrial. His pants alone are enough to give him away. I haven't seen pants hang of anyone else's hips _that way_ here _._ Clearly not humanoid. Amateur.


	3. Host's emotional health

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 10** **th** **of May 2011**

 **Third entry**

 **Subject: Host's emotional health**

While browsing through Ana's headspace today, I ran into two entities that apparently reside there. One of them refers to herself as 'Inner Goddess' and the other one goes by the name 'Subconscious.' Since these entities are clearly manifestations of my host's repressed desires, I engaged with them at length.

As far as I can tell the 'Inner Goddess' appears to represent Ana's sexuality and the 'Subconscious' is supposed to be her common sense. Now, I use the definition _common sense_ with extreme caution, because the advice of this entity seems to amount to little more than petty criticism for the majority of the time. Nevertheless, contact with these entities has provided me with valuable insight into the behaviour of my host.

The form these entities took during our exchange gave me pause, though. Why does Ana feel the need to personify her innermost thoughts? Why do her opinions and feelings have bodies and props? And why are they constantly dancing, hiding behind imaginary furniture and performing Olympic routines? It is most peculiar. Perhaps even a sign of a lunacy? Further investigation is warranted.


	4. Non-history

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 11** **th** **of May 2011**

 **Fourth entry**

 **Subject: Non-history**

While my host studied for her finals, I attempted to learn a bit about the way the human race approaches the written word. Is language only used to record and relay information? Or do humans also write down tales of things that have not happened as my race does? It is wonderful how amusing, and often enlightening, non-history can be. Do human beings have a similar tradition?

The answer is: yes. Human beings share this trait with us. They call it 'fiction,' which primarily uses books as its medium. My host doesn't seem able to fully appreciate the advantages of 'fiction,' though. She is exceedingly literal minded.

For illustrative purposes only, I have collected some of my host's thoughts about one particular human non-history event that is supposed to function as a warning against hubris.

 _Kate has informed me that the Icarus myth is not about flying too close to the sun. She claims that it's not even about getting close to something bright or beautiful or hot. I doubt that she ever read it. She said something about 'symbolism' and 'metaphors' – whatever the hell those are. It's clearly about a boy flying too close to the sun. It's right there in the text! What else could it be about? Am I supposed to go deeper than that or something? Am I supposed to_ analyse _the text to find underlying meanings? What am I? An English Literature Major? Well, yeah, almost… Never mind. I'm sure those meanings are hidden for a reason. It would be rude to go look for them._

It would appear that my host is far less intelligent than I originally assumed.


	5. Secret handshake

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 12** **th** **of May 2011**

 **Fifth entry**

 **Subject: Secret handshake**

I wish now that I had remembered to study the interstellar travel guide again like I usually do in preparation for embarking on a new mission. Then I could have used the secret handshake to ascertain whether Christian Grey is indeed a colleague.

As it stands, I have not yet been able to verify whether Christian Grey is another undercover alien. I am ashamed to admit that can't recall if the secret handshake is even an actual handshake. How could that be if our true form and many other life forms don't possess hands?

At the time of my departure, though, I was too busy securing a temporary home for my space slug Bob. Bob has trouble trusting strangers. He had a difficult childhood.


	6. Down there

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 13** **th** **of May 2011**

 **Sixth entry**

 **Subject: 'Down there'**

My host keeps thinking about Christian Grey in relation to an area of her body known only as 'down there.' I'm having trouble finding out where 'down there' is as even Ana herself seems not to know its exact location.

Ana's 'Subconscious' and 'Inner Goddess' were of no help in this regard. When I asked, the former pursed her lips in disapproval and the latter kept bouncing up and down like a small child waiting for ice cream.* Since the 'Inner Goddess' seems to be in favour of sex at all times and the 'Subconscious' usually frowns upon the very thought, I have deduced that 'down there' must refer to one or more of my host's sexual organs.

Since Ana has neither had an orgasm nor touched herself intimately, I fear that the search for this elusive 'down there' place may turn out to be a lengthy one.

*Now that I've spent more time on this planet and know that most (but not all) tiny people are in reality the offspring of humans a.k.a. children, the behaviour of the 'Inner Goddess' seems extremely iffy to me.


	7. Second encounter with Christian Grey

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 14** **th** **of May 2011**

 **Seventh entry**

 **Subject: Second encounter with Christian Grey**

Met my presumed (but as of yet unconfirmed) colleague again today. My host works in a hardware store and Christian Grey purchased some goods there.

Host opinion: _Holy crap! He's so attractive._

Hmm. Personally, I find his vessel revolting and his behaviour disturbing. Until I am certain of his objective, I can only hope that his lack of professionalism doesn't end up endangering my mission.

Ana is convinced that Grey has no interest in her. Since I've rooted around in what passes for my host's brains a little bit in the past week, I am inclined to come to the exact opposite conclusion. I believe that the alien undoubtedly inhabiting Christian Grey may be courting my host. Either that or he plans to murder her. Both options should provide useful research material.


	8. False alarm!

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 15** **th** **of May 2011**

 **Eighth entry**

 **Subject: False alarm!**

Christian Grey is not an alien. He is merely an… I think the proper term is 'asshole.'

I still haven't found an explanation for his pants hanging off his hips _that way_ , though. Curious phenomenon. It really affects my host's mysterious 'down there' area.


	9. More non-history

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 16** **th** **of May 2011**

 **Ninth entry**

 **Subject: More non-history**

This time around, I decided to read a book myself instead of exploring the cavernous expanse that passes for my host's brain. All Ana does is read and understand nothing

I picked a hugely popular book. So far, the main character, Isabella Swan, strikes me as a joyless, spineless specimen. She reminds me of someone…


	10. Family

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 17** **th** **of May 2011**

 **Tenth entry**

 **Subject: Family**

I'm starting to despair of my host. Well, _host_ is really too generous a description. Ana most resembles an empty vessel. And when I write empty, I do mean empty. So far, she's proven to be a complete dud.

This cannot be how all people are or the human race would have become extinct a long time ago. Bob, my horribly traumatised pet space slug, would do a better job at life than Ana does. It isn't just that she's incredibly gullible and quite possibly utterly insane; it's her lack of meaningful relationships. As I have mentioned before, Katherine Kavanagh is her best friend, but Ana appears to loath her. Then there is a male photographer who Ana classifies as a close friend, but half the time she forgets that he even exists. I wish that was an exaggeration, but unfortunately it is not.

I thought that in examining Ana's relationship with her family I might find something – _anything_ – but alas. Her relationship with her parents seems as hopelessly screwed up as everything else in her tedious, aggravating life.

Excerpt:

 _I love my mother and father, but I don't really want to talk to them or spend any time with them. I judge them both to be equally incapable of taking care of themselves. Not sure how that works: I love them, but I also pity them? It's sort of a mixture of those two emotions, I guess. Pretty hard to maintain, but I manage._

I fear that, to salvage this mission, I will have to take over Ana's body soon.


	11. Side effects of being inside an idiot

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 18** **th** **of May 2011**

 **Eleventh entry**

 **Subject: Side effects of being inside an idiot's head**

In a largely futile effort to distance myself somewhat from my vessel, I have undertaken to examine all the available human non-history. However, I find myself unable to extricate myself from Ana's nonsensical thought process. E.g. while I was busy absorbing and analysing a disturbing little book called _1984,_ Ana kept interrupting with such gems as:

 _The government is keeping an eye on everyone to keep their citizens safe. That is so lovely. And Big Brother is a perfect name for this form of surveillance, because it invokes a warm, fuzzy family feeling._

Shut up, Ana! Shut up! I can barely hear myself think while she babbles inanely and the two entities in her head are doing the lambada and scowling all over the place. Somehow I am preserving my sanity, but it is very challenging. My biggest concern is that – because I have been subjected to my vessel's stupidity for an extended period of time now – her reasoning will start to actually make sense to me.


	12. Gift from Grey

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 20** **th** **of May 2011**

 **Twelfth entry**

 **Subject: Gift from Grey**

Ana received a first edition _Tess of the D'Urbervilles_ set from Grey today. With dread, I accessed my vessel's echoing mind space to interpret the meaning of this gift.

 _Jeez, Tess is so lucky! First Angel and then Alec, I wish I had two guys like that fawning over me._

Having learned by now not to trust my vessel's opinion, I subsequently absorbed the content of the book myself. It turns out to be quite an ugly story. Well-written but unsettling. Only romantic if you ignore the actions of the characters, the context and the ending.


	13. Sex

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 21** **th** **of May 2011**

 **Thirteenth entry**

 **Subject: Sex**

Grey revealed his sexual proclivities to me. He seems to believe that his desires are dark and bad. Ana, _naturally_ , agrees with him. She is painfully ignorant and I do not think that her lack of sexual experience excuses her lack of knowledge about the subject. From the little I have gleaned about human beings, Grey's tastes appear positively tame to me. I have seen plants on this planet engaged in edgier sexual behaviour than what Grey gets up to in his bedroom and/or playroom.

In addition, I do not understand why he insists on calling the room plainly intended for sex the playroom. The man does not seem to grasp what the word 'play' entails. Everything is a chore to him. When he smiles - and Ana subsequently feels it in the unspecified 'down there' area, which causes her to gasp and flush (yawn) - it is only because he is being a dick. He doesn't begin to know what fun is or that sexual activity could be fun. He is such a humourless bore.

Addendum:

Had sex with Grey. Was rather dull.


	14. Assimilation successful

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 23** **rd** **of May 2011**

 **Fourteenth entry**

 **Subject: Assimilation successful**

I have officially taken over Ana's body. Ana is now a mere third voice in my head.

In an effort to finally start my mission in earnest, I sent Grey an email that in essence told him to fuck off. He responded by breaking into the apartment I share with Kate.

Our conversation verbatim:

'This is so cool. So, I say no and then you do it anyway? I didn't think people were allowed to do that. Let me try. Wait, you didn't do hearts and flowers, right? Well, now you do. Because I said so! How am I doing?'

'Ana, I can't…'

'Don't care. Holy crap, I'm good at this. Let's have some more of your supposedly weird sex. Do the thing where you ignore my discomfort. And make it super quick. Ha! Like I have to tell you.'


	15. Meeting the in-laws

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 29** **th** **of May 2011**

 **Fifteenth entry**

 **Subject: Meeting the in-laws**

Since I cannot get rid of Grey, I have decided to work around him as much as possible. Though I have to admit that his erratic behaviour and Ana's internal reactions to it are becoming far more interesting than my actual mission.

'He tried to finger me while we were having dinner with his family,' I confided in Kate. She spit out her drink.

'He… what?'

'Under the table, you know. I mean, you and Elliot must have been engaged in similar behaviour,' I suggested. By the way Kate stared at me, I deduced that they were not. Christian told me that what he did is normal procedure when first meeting your future in-laws. Apparently, he has – yet again – lied to me. My vessel would undoubtedly have believed him. Oh, Ana thought something. I will record her thoughts here:

 _Poor Kate. Elliot must not be serious about her. Well, how can he? She enjoys sex._

I am really starting to appreciate how unintentionally hilarious she is.


	16. Job interviews

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 30** **th** **of May 2011**

 **Sixteenth entry**

 **Subject: Job interviews**

Ana had two job interviews scheduled today. I do not want to be responsible for disrupting her life completely, so I decided to keep the appointments. I even gave her free rein during the interviews. Unfortunately, by monitoring her inner dialogue, it was easy to detect that she used her time in control to, as it's so charmingly called in human idiom, _lie her ass off_.

I simply had to intervene, since her thoughts and words did not match at all and truth is valued as much on this planet as it is on mine. I was trying to save her from herself and I think I succeeded marvellously.

At the interview for a small publishing house, (which is doomed to fail, if you ask me, because their business strategy is hopelessly outdated) Ana was asked a question about working with computers. In response, I laughed. I was trying to replicate the reaction Ana would have had if she had been capable of being honest. The interviewers, a man and a woman, regarded me with raised eyebrows.

'Oh, I apologise,' I explained. 'I thought that you were kidding. I just graduated from college; you cannot seriously expect me to know how a computer works. I barely know how to send an email. Heads up, by the way, I will be sending a lot of those now that I know how to do that. None of them will be job-related. Don't read them! In fact, sending emails will probably take up most of my time. But I'm super passionate about working here. Dream job for sure.'

Strangely, no one seems eager to hire me.


	17. New mission directive

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 4** **th** **of June 2011**

 **Seventeenth entry**

 **Subject: New mission directive**

I explained to Kate what befell me when I told the truth when applying for jobs. It turns out that I erred on the wrong side of caution. I must remember to be less candid. Honesty is apparently not appreciated during job interviews.

Dutifully, I relayed this information to higher command.

To my surprise, I received a wholly new mission directive and a date of execution. The time of merely gathering human data is over.

As the date draws nearer, I have begun to prepare in earnest for my true objective as I await further instructions. I have to get my vessel in shape for the task at hand. Utilising the resources at my disposal, I have enlisted the help of my pet billionaire and his personal trainer Claude Bastille.

Grey started out pleasantly surprised at my exercise regime, but his initial excitement has already turned to worry.

'You're gaining weight,' he remarks. A subtle – for Grey – way of body shaming me. My host is horrified at the remark. I have no idea why. It could be the fact that she believes that he is calling her fat, but I thought even that would make her happy. The two of them are always complaining that she is too thin.

'I thought that was what you wanted.'

'Yes, but I didn't mean like this,' he explains. It appears that he fears that my vessel will become too muscular for his liking.

'You wanted me to get fat?'

Grey shakes his head. Exasperated, I ask him what exactly he wants then.

'So, you want me to gain weight, but it can't be muscle weight or fat? What do you want me to do? Grow a tumour? I thought you'd be thrilled that I was exercising at least. Wasn't that in the contract? Or is it just that when I do what you want me to do you have no reason to punish me?'

He opens his mouth and closes it again like a particularly unattractive sea creature. I roll my eyes in perfect imitation of Ana and guide him to the Ugly Room of Boredom. We haven't tried out ninety-nine percent of the tools on display here. I survey everything and select a belt.

'I rolled my eyes. That's unacceptable. Punish me,' I order, thrusting the belt at him. He doesn't take it, though he is clearly almost salivating at the thought of hitting me with it.

'I can't do that. You'll leave me.'

The guy is delusional. Like he'd let me!

'Don't whine. Just do it,' I snap. He accepts the belt; slowly sliding it through his hands in a way he probably thinks is sensual.

'I am going to hit you six times and you will count with me,' he commands.

'No, I won't. Get on with it,' I reply, bending over the nearest bench and baring my vessel's butt. He proceeds to hit me – hard. From time to time, I look over my shoulder. His face is a mixture of pain and pleasure. Inside me, Ana starts to cry and her tears stream across my vessel's cheeks. Finally, Grey is finished. I pull up my underwear and jeans carefully, so as to keep the contact with my sore behind to a minimum. It hurts like hell.

'That wasn't so bad,' I say. Honestly, it was extremely unpleasant to witness how much he obviously enjoyed the fact that I _didn't_ enjoy that beating. However, admitting that would give him even more satisfaction, so I'm not going to do that.

'What? No! That was… fucked up. I am fucked up,' he insists. I roll my eyes again.

'No argument there.'

That shuts him up well and good. And thank the stars because I am very much not in the mood to listen to this pathetic excuse for a human being berate me for not giving him the response he'd hoped for. I am tired and hungry and I have more important things to do.

'Why don't you stop being a little bitch and actually do something about how fucked up you are, huh? How about that?' I advise. Dumbfounded, he stares at me. It's as if this has never occurred to him. In all fairness, why would it have? His problems only negatively affect others.

Whatever. I have a president to kill. Hopefully, this will be a little more straightforward than the JFK fiasco.


	18. Kill the Precedent

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 5** **th** **of June 2011**

 **Eighteenth entry**

 **Subject: Kill the Precedent**

After contacting higher command for much needed further instructions, it became clear – after some initial confusion - that the missive I received previously was not a mission directive. It was a communication from Bob (my pet slug). I wish they'd stop letting him type. His spelling is the worst.

Bob's message was _not_ 'kill the president,' but 'kill the precedent.' Not that this made things any cleared until I remembered that Kill the Precedent is an Earth band Bob likes. Bob has since informed me that he would be very grateful if I secured an autograph from Twig the Exfoliator. That is the singer. I will see what I can do, though it irks me that Bob obviously has no regard for the important work I'm doing here.

Well, at least I appear to have finally succeeded in purging my vessel's life of Grey. I have given him duplicates of the gadgets he had gifted me so that I can take the originals home. In return, he made out a check for my vessel's car. Then we parted ways. Hopefully forever. If we ever meet again, it will be about a hundred reincarnations too soon.


	19. Wonderful news!

**Gathering human data**

 **Explorer's log, Earth date 8** **th** **of June 2011**

 **Nineteenth entry**

 **Subject: Wonderful news!**

I have spoken too soon. Grey sent roses to the apartment I have to myself since Kate has gone away with Elliot. Today, Grey emailed me to offer me a ride to an exhibit from someone named José. I have no idea who that is and, at first, neither did my vessel. Eventually, she remembered that this José person is a friend of hers. A close friend, Ana insists, though I find that a dubious statement considering she forgot about his very existence until she was reminded of it.

In lieu of bothering with that, I have embarked on a second round of job interviews, carefully keeping to my not-too-honest behaviour. I admit that I would feel bad if the time came to leave this planet and I left Ana without any future prospects. My witless vessel is perfectly capable of ruining her life herself.

Wonderful news!

My evil overlords have reviewed the information I have provided so far and they have reached a decision. To protect the human race, I must prevent Christian Grey from procreating. After ascertaining that this was a real directive and not again a muddled message from Bob, I am overjoyed about this mission.

I think command expects me to sterilise him, but they have authorised me to achieve the target objective in whatever way I see fit. Therefore, I plan to kill Grey. He has too much money and is too convinced of his own superiority to be sure that sterility will stop him from finding a method to somehow beget children.


End file.
